Hello everyone. I’m Sir Michael Caine, an acclaimed actor involved in the production of CON AIR 2: THE EPILOGUE. In the movie I would’ve had a cameo role in a flashback as post-scratch version of John Egbert, otherwise known as Jane’s Poppop. But as the fate would have it, you will never see that movie.



Truly, everything you just saw happened exactly as pictured. The reel containing the only copy of CON AIR 2 was destroyed by Lord English, who was moments later banished from this timeline thanks to the heroic sacrifice of Ben Stiller.  However, thanks to the immortal and timeless nature of Hella Jeff’s pure essence, his soul lives. It will likely haunt the Earth for years to come, playing his part in countless stair-related accidents.



The banishment was only successful due to the juju given to Stiller by Donald Glover. It was the Oscar he received for the performance as Geromy in SBAHJ THE MOIVE on the alpha timeline, retrieved moments after his alternate self was brutally murdered by the Condesce’s goons. Unbeknownst to everyone, the Oscar had become imbued by temporal energy as it entered this offshoot timeline through unconventional means. It was just enough to destabilize English’s fragile presence on this timeline and send him off. The brief wormhole created by his defeat most certainly took the Oscar back to its own timeline, where it later would be awarded to Glover, thus completing the loop.



I have been graciously informed of the events the will soon take place by a trustworthy source, Mr. Hussie himself. In a few days, he and Nick Cage will travel back to the alpha timeline, where Andrew has barely time to warn his past self about the doomed timeline before being tragically killed in a ironic stampede of horses. The alpha timeline Hussie would follow the advice of his doomed self and create PROBLEM SLEUTH 2 instead of Homestuck. Years later he would begin a Sburb session of his own and reach his godtier. But it would not be a session he wouldn’t stay in. After the Reckoning begins, he will hop on a meteor to ride that baby back down to Earth like a wild fucking bronco, as it has been foretold. That meteor would become known as Apophis, and it would serve as a part of humanity’s destruction alongside the blights brought by the Condesce. With his new immortality Andrew would stay on that Earth for countless years, and eventually establish his mansion with Ms. Paint from his session and a descendant of one of those weird centaur lusii. From there he would oversee the Narrative until his death at the hands of Lord English.



The future of this timeline, however, is uncertain. As a doomed one, it will unavoidably fade into obscurity. What does that mean to us? Will out existence be undone, or will this timeline persists after all it has gone through? Only time will tell. In either case, our communication to you, dear readers, will shortly be cut. It is an inevitable process, only further accelerated by the unraveling spacetime around us.

I now bid my farewell. I hope you have enjoyed this wild ride, and I hope it has brought back many fond memories from the past years of this neverending tale.

Yours truly,

Michael Caine