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Guest Star: Nicolas “Nick” Cage


Hey, it’s me, Nicholas Cage, though you may already know me as “Nick” from the smash-hit webcomic Homestuck™. Today is March 13th, which means we’re just a month away from the 10th anniversary of our favorite piece of multimedia fiction, also known as the “Ulysses of the Internet”.

So today I’m here to announce that on 4th of April 2019, Presented by VIZ Media, we will be releasing the Homestuck Epilogue, CON AIR 2.

Written and Directed by J. J. Abrams and Andrew Hussie, this live-action spectacle will follow the adventure of older John Egbert (Michael Cera), joined by his mentors Cameron Poe (Me), suspiciously similarly named Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) and Garland Greene (Steve Buscemi).
Other heroes include Rose Lalonde (Landry Allbright), Dave Strider (Donald Glover), Jade Harley (Auliʻi Cravalho), Karkat Vantas (Shia Labeouf), Kanaya Maryam (Ellen Page), Terezi Pyrope (Emma Watson), Jane Crocker (Maggie Smith), Roxy Lalonde (Megan Fox), Dirk Strider (Michael B. Jordan), Jake English (Dwayne Johnson), Calliope (Jennifer Lawrence), MSPA Reader (Snoop Dogg), Dante Basco (Himself), Vriska Serket (Herself), Andrew “Big Man” Hussie (Andrew “Big Man” Hussie), the Mayor (Andy Serkis), Jack Noir (voiced by Jack Black), and Serenity (voiced by Alan Tudyk). Additional cast: Sweet Bro (Ben Stiller), Hella Jeff (Owen Wilson) and Geromy (Will Smith).

Together we face against Dark Cage (Also Me) and his monstrous master, cybernetically reanimated John Malkovich (Cyrus “the Virus" Grissom), who has been possessed by the main antagonist of Homestuck, the evil Lord English.


(Concept art)

After five years in production, we are glad to reveal you this passion project. CON AIR 2: THE EPILOGUE will be streamed live on repeat for the entirety of 4/13/2019, but you are encouraged to go see it in the theaters to catch the theaters-exclusive Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff: Cinematic Experience, 15-minute intermission splitting the 3-hour movie in half.

Don’t forget to consider the special Marathon Runs, where the Intermission is repeated unchanged for at least 5 consecutive hours! After seeing one of these visceral interpretations, I recommend you do the same. In the Sicknasty Edition the Intermission will last for 34 hours! Talk about an experience! If you happen to die during that particular showing, don’t worry, we will pay for your funeral.

Do remember though, if you agree to watch one of these extended cuts, there’s no backing out. After papers are signed and all is done, the theater doors will be locked. You will not be able to leave until the movie is over, so pack snacks! They will not only be useful to sustain yourself, but also as offerings to save your life from the dehydrated, starving viewers that did not reserve provisions and are now after your flesh and blood. You would not believe what has gone down in some of our test screenings!

I sincerely hope you will enjoy our CREATION. You have ONE MONTH. What will you do?

Sincerely,
Nick of Time

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Author Commentary
Author Commentary
Welcome to the Author Commentary for Con Air 2: The Epilogue. After nine years in development, hopefully it will have been worth the wait. To listen to a commentary node, put... okay enough for this dumb gag. This commentary is entirely made up of walls of text, since there is a lot to be said and only 30 pages to say it. I’m going to start with a lot of “how this story was built” kind of stuff, and then later in the story get into the lore behind the scenes as it becomes more relevant on those pages. Oh, and yeah, if this is your first time reading this or The Other Side, this commentary has lots and lots of spoilers!

First off, some background for the original release of the story. The whole story was originally posted on a Tumblr (https://skaianet.tumblr.com/), which also has its own story. On 1st of January 2019 an official Homestuck site (http://www.skaianetsystems.com/) was released to start off the upcoming wild year of Homestuck content. Of course it was a huge disaster due to multiple reasons, none which I’m going to explain here to keep this thing short.

What is relevant however is that a lot of people started to think the site was a starting point for an ARG, which absolutely did not exist. I seized the opportunity to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting players by creating a password protected (which I disabled after a few moments not to distract them too much) Tumblr blog behind which is a Rick Roll. After that the blog gained a few followers so I used it for shitposting a bit. After that it remained dormant until the fateful day this first update was released.

I think there is a post on the Skaianet blog on how this all started to form in my head, but I’ll repeat it here. On March 13th, about a month before the 10th anniversary of Homestuck (and the release of the Epilogues), I was sitting in a bus and I started thinking about Homestuck and what the promised Epilogue would be like. Somehow that brought me to think about Nicolas Cage, the legend, in a god tier costume. In my mind I saw him sitting, and as I began to wonder what he was sitting on, the very image you see at the top of this page slammed into my synapses at Mach 11 and sent me into a delirium in which I cooked the rest of the bullshit from my other dumb Epilogue thoughts. And then I posted that shit on Tumblr and you know how that went. That all happened on the same day.

I also made a small bullshit ARG because ever since the Skaianet fiasco I’d wanted something real fucking hype to happen. I intentionally made the Cage image with a style that resembled one that Andrew used in Problem Sleuth to make the whole thing seem more authentic. I was pretty sure other people were hungry for a real ARG as well, so I tried to give them one. Sure this real ARG wasn’t official, but what I aimed for it at least being somewhat funny. I’m not going to go over all that in the Commentary, but if you want to see what the ARG was like, people on the ARG Discord Server put together a Google Sheet documenting their process. Here’s a link to a copy. (https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1lliySQHnbBbVS3rjB1RK1XX7daMj9JAcZLXu4PAFxCQ/edit?usp=sharing) I had no part in creating this, all credit goes to the players.

Originally I had no real plan to even make “updates”. The intention was for this to be a lone gag, but as it proved to be incredibly popular (by the blog’s standards) and people started to suspect it was official, I decided to just run with it. It’s not like I had run out of funny things to say. Thus the joke machine went brrr and the rest is history.

For those who have made to the end of this long page, I have to admit something. The supposed release date was a typo. I intended it to be 4/13, not 4/4. I realized the mistake after I had decided to make more updates, and people were already convinced that something would happen on that day, so I chose to stick to that date. Bad decision, knowing how the work on the last animation went. People also went on to associate 4/04 with 404 pages and other random shit. Whoopsie, I guess.

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